I’m always on the lookout for pizza that does not make me want to vomit. I’m a Randy’s fan since back when, but lately their pies have seen a significant downturn in quality, and their delivery times are starting to border on comical. Also, all recent pizza I have ordered from there has arrived at my house with the temperature and texture of Jello.
Anyway, with Randy’s sucking, I was intrigued when I spotted Brooklyn Pizzeria (2812 Erwin Rd) recently opened next to Six Plates Wine Bar in Erwin Terrace. A little research described a relatively long-standing North Carolina pizza chain with locations in mysterious backwoods locales such as “Fayetteville” (that sounded like a made-up town to me, but sure enough it’s real). A smattering of reviews – mostly by New York emigres – paint a picture of authentic thin-crust pizza.
I was feeling pretty lazy and hungry last night – and I had drank four beers – so I and two other tasters decided to give Brooklyn Pizzeria a shot. After a fairly reasonable thirty-minute wait time (interspersed with several panicked, direction-seeking phone calls from the driver) the pizza arrived, and I could feel the heat radiating from the bottom of the box. A good sign.
Feeling pretty excited at this point, I laid the box on the kitchen counter, opened it up, and…
There are only three reasonable explanations for this horrorshow:
1. They are now using fighter jets as delivery vehicles, and the driver was pulling enough Gs to cause complete molecular disruption of the pizza..
2. The driver carried the pizza in the fashion one would carry a large book or framed picture, or he just stuffed it into a messenger bag.
3. The slice on the bottom left is an evil murderer, and the slices on the top right literally crawled away to cower in the corner.
Whatever happened, it was a hideous gargoyle of a pizza. A grotesque, Boschian parody of what should greet hungry people upon opening a pizza box. Brooklyn Pizzeria, I am angry with you.
HOWEVER. As you can see in the above tableau of mutilation, there are two pieces missing. This is because we were so ravenous that we couldn’t take the time to rearrange the pie into something resembling palatable food. We just grabbed the first two generally unspoiled slices and crammed them into our slavering maws.
The verdict, and the general point of this entire story, is that Brooklyn Pizzeria’s pizza is awesome. The crust is crispy and flaky, the cheese/sauce ratio balanced and satisfying, and the mushrooms…well, they were definitely picked by cheerful nymphs in some Hibernian wood, that’s how happy they made me.
Screw you Randy’s. You’re done.
By Nick Williams